I am not one to cry publicly. Privately, yes. But public crying is just something I don't do - in fact I have often thought that maybe I am a bit weird in that I rarely cry in those moments when it might be expected (but I more than make up for it in the privacy of my own home!)
Today was an exception, as I found myself choking up while sharing prayer requests about our Haitian adoption at our ladies' Bible study. It just seems that there has been so many difficult situations this week! Babies dying, birth parents changing their minds, the process dragging on for two or even three years for some families. I feel so overwhelmed and burdened and impotent to do anything at all to help my children.
Trust ... I realize this is at the core of what I am struggling with right now.
Our lessons this week were centered on the truth that true freedom in Christ comes only through obedience to God, and that even Jesus Christ during His time on this earth had to completely submit and trust the will of His Father. One exercise we were asked to complete was a "trust ladder" on which we marked our current level of trust in God. To be perfectly honest, I didn't draw a line on mine but instead tried to put into words what I was feeling by writing this:
Nonetheless, I was encouraged by this week's study to be honest with myself and God and reminded through the passages we read in Isaiah 51 that our all-powerful Creator knows "when to make the waves roar and when to dry them up." You can bet I'll be praying for the latter, but in the meantime I hope I can learn to trust Him even when it feels like we are being buffeted by the former ... remembering that He is the One who knows the plans, not I (Jeremiah 29:11-13!)
Today was an exception, as I found myself choking up while sharing prayer requests about our Haitian adoption at our ladies' Bible study. It just seems that there has been so many difficult situations this week! Babies dying, birth parents changing their minds, the process dragging on for two or even three years for some families. I feel so overwhelmed and burdened and impotent to do anything at all to help my children.
Trust ... I realize this is at the core of what I am struggling with right now.
Our lessons this week were centered on the truth that true freedom in Christ comes only through obedience to God, and that even Jesus Christ during His time on this earth had to completely submit and trust the will of His Father. One exercise we were asked to complete was a "trust ladder" on which we marked our current level of trust in God. To be perfectly honest, I didn't draw a line on mine but instead tried to put into words what I was feeling by writing this:
Mentally I believe I can trust Him with everything but really I am having difficulty trusting the timing of our adoption.(As a sidenote, I apologize to those who may have had the mistaken idea that missionary wives are super-Christians and don't struggle with this stuff. Unfortunately, I don't fit that particular profile!)
Nonetheless, I was encouraged by this week's study to be honest with myself and God and reminded through the passages we read in Isaiah 51 that our all-powerful Creator knows "when to make the waves roar and when to dry them up." You can bet I'll be praying for the latter, but in the meantime I hope I can learn to trust Him even when it feels like we are being buffeted by the former ... remembering that He is the One who knows the plans, not I (Jeremiah 29:11-13!)
9 comments:
You have hit the nail on the head! It is so hard sometimes...but God has brought you this far and He will not abandon you! As hard as our 1st adoption was (we seriously thought that we were not going to be able to bring our kids home) I am so GRATEFUL to God for blessing us with that experience. I learned so much about myself (what I needed to change/work on) as well as learning so much about HIM and His promises! God is FAITHFUL to do what he has promised!
i have never met a super christian...lol....oh stephanie we all know how you feel...what i do is holler to god....i'm trying to give you this so you better take it!!!! and if it doesn't work...i try again...and again.....his spirit can change any open heart.....
Dear Steph,
Thank you for your words. I also don't cry in public. Last night I had a break down, too (at home). I will be praying for you in this area. could you pray for me in this area too? thank you.
Love, Cathy
Hang in there and when it gets too tough, God will carry you and hide you in the shadow of His wing.
thanks for the honesty. i find myself getting so anxious about the timing of our adoption; will he be home by Christmas, should i be doing something right now, what if no one is on top of our file.... it seems as though, every now and then, God takes my face in His hands and calms my heart... "trust me" he says.
Ladies Bible study has been the best thing for me as I've walked through this adoption process. I have lost it more times than not and even though not a single woman in my group has gone through an adoption, they have all been so supportive. I'm so thankful for God's blessing of women supporting women as we study His word.
Blessings,
Beth
Stephanie (hugs)
Hi
I love your blog-thanks for sharing so honestly and openly.
I'm a waiting mom to 2 boys in Haiti-you can read more about it at my blog if you (or your readers) are interested.
lenahaitimissiontrip.blogspot.com
Steph,
Thank you for your openness. I have a hard time understanding why an adoption should take so long with yours and ours, but I also see how God is working in our lives and it humbles me because I know that he is at work and what a blessing that he is taking his time on me (and you).
I am sending big hugs to you. We LOVE you all so much and are constantly praying for you.
Love,
Melissa
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