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Friday, May 29, 2009

What's Wrong with Us??

Two more files came out this week. Ours did not.

Anymore I find myself wondering, What's wrong with us?? What is it in our file that they don't like?? Why us??

This was supposed to be a fairly simple process. We met the marriage requirements. We met the age requirements. We met the children requirements (since ours were adopted, not bio.) We got the grant. We started working with our agency right when a family received their daughter in ten months' flat. We were supposed to fly through like that, too.

But we haven't. There was never any red flag, never any warning that we would sink into the quicksand of IBESR and disappear for months on end. Everything was going smoothly, or so we thought. And then one month turned into another, and another, and another, and here we are eleven months later wondering again, Why?? What's wrong with us?? Why us??

I've stopped praying the date. I've given up the dream. I know impossibility when it's staring me in the face. The truth is that whenever we do get out of IBESR we have months ahead of us still. The truth is that our boys will probably be over two years old when they come home, if they come home. And it's all just so stinkin' unfair.

Mostly I'm too tired to think about it. I've tried to turn off the adoption switch in my head. I've stopped writing on this blog like I used to. I love my boys but I try not to think about them all the time, which makes me feel like a loser mom. It just hurts. Too much.

Maybe tomorrow we'll get the call and then I'll feel completely ridiculous for writing all of this. But on this gray morning when yet another week has gone by and once again we were not among the chosen, it's how I feel. And I know that emotions lie. And I know that everything in my last post is true.

But I'm just tired. So very, very tired ...

22 comments:

Terri Fisher said...

For I know the plans I have for you...plans for your welfare, not your calamity...

Love, Your Heavenly Father (who loves you and your boys more than anyone or anything!)

Amanda said...

(((Hugs)))

I'm so sorry.

Heather Marie said...

Still praying like mad for you and the boys! I am so very sorry that you are struggling so much and that, for whatever reason, this process has been beyond record difficulty. I don't understand, either, and I'm running out of things to say...so just know I'm still praying like mad to the One Who can and will work His purposes through this awful wait!

with love...

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with you! Just remind yourself that God's way is not always our way but it is always the best way. Let God work out His perfect timing. Though it is very hard to do, just let the boys rest in God's hands and leave the "when?" up to Him. I love you. Mom

ERIN lee said...

oh steph i'm so sorry. i wish i could be there to give you a hug and take you to starbucks! cuz we both now they make everything better. :) sending you a giant hug through cyberspace. hey on a side not i'm going to homeschool this coming year! agh can you believe it.

dreamingBIGdreams said...

stephanie all these thoughts you voiced are in my head too. all of them. this whole process is jacked up and so very hard.

One Crowded House said...

your post brought me to tears... I know the pain of waiting to bring a child home from Haiti (It was a little over two years for us) and unfortunately the process seems to have gotten worse. We have friends who were in IBESR for over two years... they were finally signed out two weeks ago.
NONE of it makes sense- NONE of it is fair... and it seems like the people needing to sign the papers- just really don't care- and maybe they don't.
Praying you get your good news very soon....

Kathy's Korner said...

OH Steph, your post broke my heart!! you are NOT NOT NOT NOT a loser Mom and dont you DARE say such a thing again! I mean it!! You are a model mom!! The opposite of that.

And there is NOTHING wrong with you. Whatever is happening here is not about anything you did or didnt do.

Let those who love you hold you up for a bit lady. I will double up those prayers too.

alejandra said...

incomprensible el por que...qué se te puede decir, no se, mas q intentar acompañarte en la espera...

geralyn said...

I feel your pain. We met all the requirements too. Age, marriage, no birthkids, all adopted, and we sat in IBESR for almost 9 months. We never caught a break at any stage. Finally, one month ago tomorrow, we brought our boys home. It really does eventually happen. Please hang in there. So many of us know what you are feeling. Just keep the faith and know in your heart that they will be home someday. I hope IBESR signs you out SOON.

Anonymous said...

est, unlike others, i can say that i really don't know what you are going through, but i can say that i know you very well & i know you are not a loser mom; you are a wonderful, loving, & selfless mom. i know this is a difficult time, but know that you have a huge support system, we are all behind you praying for you & just waiting on God's perfect time. -ang-

Carla said...

I'm so sorry. That is so discouraging. Is there anyway of inquiring about your file to make sure they didn't loose it or that they haven't red flagged you for something?(keep in mind I'm totally ignorant of the process and it might be a dumb question.)
Your right it is totally unfair.
hugs to you as you wait and wait and wait....

Anonymous said...

Our child's file came out of IBESR this week. We do not meet the requirements, but our child has many severe special needs. I was actually surprise it happened as soon as it did. He had been in for nearly 5 months. I will pray for your file to make it's way out. I hope it is very soon.

Melissa said...

((Hugs)) I am praying. Thank you for sharing. I know that it is hard. So very hard. And I know that nothing I say can take away the pain. But I do pray that through all of this, you will feel God's love and care for you. He is good all of the time.

Lots of love to you and all of your family.

A woman looking for God said...

So many things are right with you. Should I start to tell you? My sweet mother, daughter, friend and above all sister. i Love you and I pray the Lord will surround you with His love. I am so glad you found enough energy to write. So the saints can pray. When we pray thngs happen. The Lord will answer

David said...

I will pray as well. I don't know that i spent a month in Haiti in 1985. I have a real heart for the ministry and the people there. Grace Mission was part of my dad's ministry there. Pastor Beril in Port au Prince is a warrior for the Lord. Dave Elgena has a heart for the work there as well.Randy Rudy is on the board of directors of the mission. Haitians are special people. Dave Peters

T & T Livesay said...

I am so sorry for your pain. Ugh. I want Annie to get home to my sister but it is not nearly so desperate because at least she is with a family - they are at 15 months at IBESR. I don't get it at all. It is so hard and I am sorry for you and all the others who wait so long.

Stampincrazy said...

You tug at my heart strings. I don't know what you are feeling but I know the One who created us as emotional and feeling people. May the God of comfort reach down and put his loving arms around your family as you continue to wait. He is hugging you in Chile and hugging the boys in Haiti at the same time!

rosemerry and david said...

June 24th is a great date---maybe it's a date some miracle will happen that will propel the boys home to you!! Don't quit, never, never quit!! God bless

Anonymous said...

Stephanie,
Ánimo!!! y no dejes de confiar y depositar tu angustia y espera en manos de Dios. Te acompañamos con la oración.
Un abrazo desde Santa Fe, Constanza

Katy said...

I am SO sorry....I know your pain...it just seems so unfair to all these children. And so hard to understand. My prayers are with you...

Greg's Wife said...

I'm so sorry Stephanie. I wish I could give you a hug and weep with you over photos of your growing children. I think we've all written dozens of posts along these lines as our processes have dragged on for years. I know you've heard it a thousand times, but I can truly attest that God's timing is perfect. He did an amazing work in me during the HORRIFIC, PAINFUL wait. But more importantly, he did something AMAZING in our children. I remember begging and pleading for them to be home by Christmas last year. When it was obviously not going to happen I visited them in December. Then they finally did come home in May. And when I look back to December now and see the difference in where they were emotionally & attachment-wise vs. where they were when we actually pick them up- I would not trade a day of the pain, as miserable as it was. God used those extra months to prepare them to live with us in ways that are astounding me now every day. I know He will do the same for you and your family. Praying for you, sister.