Tonight I tried to share with my husband what I am feeling about our adoption at the moment. I basically just needed to say it out loud and bounce my thoughts off someone, so he was the lucky recipient. :)
In a nutshell, I feel desperate ... and utterly helpless.
I feel like days and weeks and months of my children's lives are slipping away and there is nothing at all I can do about it.
I imagine what it would be like if someone were keeping Eva, Isabel or Owen away from me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would go anywhere and do anything to get my children home.
I want to be able to fight for my boys like that. But I can't. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can physically do to bring them home any faster.
I want off this rollercoaster. Don't get me wrong, I will stay on it for as long as it takes, but with every breath I am wishing for it to be happily over and done with.
I want a normal life. (Well, as normal as life can be for a large, transracial, foreign family living cross-culturally in Latin America, ha!) I want all my kids under one roof. I want my son to have brothers to play with. I want my girls to see the answers to their prayers in living, breathing color.
I want ... I want ... I want ...
And then I feel a slice of guilt, the nudge of knowing that this isn't about what I want. The reminder that it's about what He wants. And I feel the fear of really, truly trying to find out what that is because maybe it's not what I've imagined it to be. I feel the exhaustion of carrying this burden alone when I know that I need to lay it down. I need to learn how to make the great exchange ...
In a nutshell, I feel desperate ... and utterly helpless.
I feel like days and weeks and months of my children's lives are slipping away and there is nothing at all I can do about it.
I imagine what it would be like if someone were keeping Eva, Isabel or Owen away from me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would go anywhere and do anything to get my children home.
I want to be able to fight for my boys like that. But I can't. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can physically do to bring them home any faster.
I want off this rollercoaster. Don't get me wrong, I will stay on it for as long as it takes, but with every breath I am wishing for it to be happily over and done with.
I want a normal life. (Well, as normal as life can be for a large, transracial, foreign family living cross-culturally in Latin America, ha!) I want all my kids under one roof. I want my son to have brothers to play with. I want my girls to see the answers to their prayers in living, breathing color.
I want ... I want ... I want ...
And then I feel a slice of guilt, the nudge of knowing that this isn't about what I want. The reminder that it's about what He wants. And I feel the fear of really, truly trying to find out what that is because maybe it's not what I've imagined it to be. I feel the exhaustion of carrying this burden alone when I know that I need to lay it down. I need to learn how to make the great exchange ...
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
3 comments:
Praying you find the peace the I know God longs to give you. I know the despair and the longing..., and along the way He is showing me how much He cares and that I don't have to understand. I think we will always grieve the lost time with our boys, but trust that He will make up for all the unknowns.
Dear Stephanie....I'm not sure it would be a good thing for us to be neighbors because we'd probably sob together quite a bit. Our personalities are very similar and I don't know what else to say except I SO UNDERSTAND.
This song keeps blasting out on the radio station I listen to over the past few days....
Mercy Me---
"Hold Fast"
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast
Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes
Steph, I know I have no understanding (at all) of what you guys are going through, but I'm glad to see you getting to this place that you're describing in this email. I've been worried about how things were going and I know that there's nothing I can do but pray so I am. I'm especially praying that God will help you really understand HOW to do the great exchange, because it's really necessary but really HARD. Love you and praying for you!
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