two and a 1/2 weeks

... since we've had any kind of official word on our paperwork in Haiti.

I alternate between hope that one of the times that I (again and again) check e-mail I will find the longed-for "out of IBESR" letter, and despair that we will never be approved no matter what.

I feel joy when I look at the boys' photos and deep sadness when I think of how far and long this separation has become.

I think of LaWanna being gone these few weeks and wonder what my little guys are thinking and if they miss her and are confused without her. I try not to think of when she leaves for good in November and whether by some miracle they will be ready to come home or what will happen to them then.

I read blogs of people recently exiting IBESR in only five months, and even three months, and I leave comments telling them they are SO blessed without going into detail of how very, very blessed they truly are in comparison with those of us who are going on thirteen months, and sixteen months, and two years and counting.

I exchange e-mails on our financial situation for this adoption and feel grateful that there is help and hope for an "advance" on our adoption grant, but nervous and fearful of the enormous amount of money we would be liable to repay if for some reason everything fell through (God forbid!)

I watch videos of other people's Haitian children now at home and dream of the day when we will be able to post videos of our two Haitian babies playing happily with their sisters and brothers in our own house. I wonder if it will ever truly happen.

I wish and I hope and I pray and I beg and I cry and I squeeze my eyes shut and squeeze my heart closed and try to keep the worry and pain outside. Please Lord, please Lord, please Lord ... and we keep waiting ...