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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I Think He Needs the Shirt

I think my husband needs a man's version of the shirt ... today after a lengthy discussion of dwindling adoption finances and the latest headaches of trying to get re-fingerprinted (and consequently trying to coordinate the costs and details of flights back to Santiago to do so) he sighed and said, "I just don't know if it's worth it anymore."

It shocked me to hear him say that because he is the one I count on to be steady and certain in this whole process. I know it was a result of circumstances that piled up today relating to tight schedules and even tighter money woes. Ironically, we were asked for a 24-hour loan today and had to say no because when I checked our account online we were literally at $0.00 in our account. Our latest adoption check of $930 for three months of childcare had cleaned out our checking account as well as a few hundred from our savings (thank goodness for automatic overdraft protection!)

We are communicating with the Embassy in Santiago to get a date set for fingerprinting, but with that comes the headache of whether to leave the children here or take the whole family during school vacation in July. The latter would cut it close to our prints' expiration date but would be healthier for our kids; however, the flights alone will cost a total of over $700.

It's not about the money.

Recently an acquaintance said something about how we couldn't back out of the adoption because we had invested so much into it financially, and my response was: It's not about the money. It's about human beings. It's about two lives ... those two little boys halfway across the world are our sons.

I reminded my husband of this, too, and of course I know he knows that. He was only speaking out of the frustration of the moment - how well I can understand! God has provided all of our needs along the way. With an initial grant of $3000 that helped us get our homestudy done. With a huge personal gift from a church in the States which has basically kept our adoption afloat this entire past year. With funds from the t-shirts and books.

Now all of that is gone, spent on embassy fees and lawyer fees and childcare fees and adoption agency fees and mailing fees and notarization fees and translation fees and travel fees and just about any other fee you can think of. We are down to what remains of this year's tax return, and it's not enough. Not enough for traveling to Santiago and paying monthly childcare fees and flying a social worker down to Chile to update our homestudy. Yes, we have the blessing of an amazing adoption grant but we cannot access it until our children come home. And we have no idea of when that will be.

Maybe what shocked me the most about hearing those words come out of my husband's mouth was that he was bold enough to say what I have only dared to think. I know that sounds awful. But sometimes it feels that way.

Please don't misunderstand. We truly know in our hearts and believe in our souls that these little boys are worth it. If we didn't, we could never have survived these past 14 months of fighting to bring them home. And we still have fight left. And we still believe God will provide. But sometimes we feel especially weak, and today is just one of those days.

We need your prayers.


4 comments:

Heather Marie said...

praying...

Julie said...

praying here too....

Lena Wright said...

Praying for you and with you. And for myself too. I am right there with you on the tired and weak front. And I haven't been in the process as long. Ours is not as complicated as yours. My finances are not as dire either. I'm just tired and weak. Thankfully, God is God, and I am not. His strength will get us (all) through.

Terri Fisher said...

We will get our children home with God's help and in His time. I know He will provide an answer to your seemingly unanswerable situation. Hang in there! We love you guys!