A is for Attachment

Bonding and attachment are often used interchangeably in adoption to describe the process of children feeling secure within their new family unit. However, adoption experts prefer to differentiate between the two terms. In an excellent article by Angela Krueger she quotes the following (bold highlights are mine):

As described in Raising Adopted Children, bonding is a “process that begins with the biological parent during pregnancy and continues through birth and the first few days of life.” This definition shows why an adopted child can feel a bond to her birth mother, but possibly not feel any attachment to her. Bond can also describe the close relationship kids have with teachers and friends with which they have shared important experiences and emotions.

According to Deborah Gray, author of Attaching in Adoption, attachment is a relationship formed primarily with members of the family and requires more time and interaction to be created. Attachment is what most adoptive parents are referring to when they talk about bonding with their child. Adopted children of all ages may have an attachment to their birth family, even if the relationship was neglectful or abusive. Many adoption experts agree that if a child can form an attachment to birth and foster parents, she will have the skills to attach to her adoptive family as well.

Next she quotes Deborah Gray regarding the "attachment cycle." This information was really helpful to me, as I have seen this with our boys since they came home:

When a child is distressed, she may show signs such as increased pulse, increased respiration, helplessness, hopelessness and enrage. When the adoptive parents enter the situation with food, physical contact and other help, the child learns her parents can meet her needs. The child is then more active and able to respond to stimulation such as playing. When the child is content, she is able to sleep and feel comfortable in her surroundings.

When Ian was sick and feeling so miserable and helpless, he would often even in his weakened state throw himself around in my arms, scream at a high pitch, and try to pinch and scratch me as hard as he could. When he pinched my knee-jerk reaction was to swat his hand as I would if my other children tried this; however, I realized that was not going to accomplish his feeling safe with me. Instead I began to kiss the hand that had pinched me and this seemed to quiet him somewhat.

Our concern has always been more for Ian in the area of attachment because Alec will stick like glue to one person for an entire day. Usually it is the first person to pick him up or feed him, and of course we are trying to make that be Mommy or Daddy right now. Also, he will come to me for comfort or cling to me for safety when we meet new people or face new situations.

Ian, on the other hand, is known as the "super friendly" baby. Everyone who visited his orphanage remembered him. He would go to anyone happily and charmed each visitor with his smile and giggles and hugs. Unfortunately, "super friendly" can sometimes be a recipe for a lack of attachment in adoption. For instance, when Martha came over on Friday he immediately ran to her to be held. He was happy and smiling and then when she put him down, I held out my arms. Instead of coming to me, he slapped them away with a frown. He didn't want me; he wanted the next new person to come along.

Another example of this happened at the Miami Passport Office in the midst of dozens of strangers. When we sat down in our row, he promptly began to make eyes at the woman next to me and held out his arms for her to hold him. It is rather awkward to try to restrain your child in a crowd of watching eyes, knowing that to do so is going to make you look like a mean mommy trying to steal your child's fun! But it is even more concerning when that same child tries to make a run for it and lays his head on the lap of any person he can find as if he or she is his best friend.

I think that this week together, staying close to home and keeping visitors to a minimum, has been healthy for Ian already. When we do go out for a walk or a quick trip to the store I try to make sure they are buckled into their stroller so that people can "look but not touch." We've not gone to church yet, because at this stage it is actually the groups of friends who love our kids that pose a greater difficulty than crowds of strangers. We want everyone to be able to hug and kiss them but right now that will be too confusing. First and foremost we have to establish that they have one family, one Mommy and Daddy, and that we are their primary caregivers. For children who've literally experienced the whole "it takes a village" philosophy up til now, it is going to take some time.

But it will be time well spent. :)