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Friday, January 29, 2010

What Goes On Inside Their Little Minds

I find myself wondering what goes on inside my sons' minds in the midst of all these changes and transitions. With the exception of when he was not feeling well, Ian seems to go with the flow. Alec, on the other hand, seems to do a lot of "thinking" sometimes. He will get very serious and still for a long while and just wants to be held.

I wrote about the first time this happened in my journal. It was the first full day with our boys, just after their afternoon nap and during a stop we had made at Pedro's grandmother's house for a few hours:
Alec woke first and seemed very serious, not surprising considering he had woken in strange new places for several days in a row. I took him outside and held him on my lap in the front drive. It was around 5 p.m. and people were starting to arrive home from work. I heard cars, planes overhead, dogs barking, the music of the ice cream truck, the ring of a cell phone, snippets of conversations between neighbors. I observed as Alec's eyes darted from side to side and his body seemed to be on high alert. I realized he was hearing everything, too, but had no reference point to discern what it all meant. He was utterly silent, but occasionally pointed a chubby finger at a plane or a dog, or in the general direction of certain sounds. On the one hand it was fascinating to witness this moment but on the other my heart ached for the confusion my little son must be feeling. I held him close and whispered that I loved him in his ear.
Tonight Alec had another of these episodes. We had gone for a walk and come back inside. He was especially clingy and wanted to sit on my lap. Suddenly I noticed that his gaze was fixed on these paintings on our dining room wall. He was totally engrossed in them and he was again, utterly silent and still. He held me tightly then and for the rest of the night until he went to bed.

I couldn't help wondering if he saw his birthmother in those paintings. For the sake of privacy I haven't and won't share details, but he had the privilege of knowing her well and I believe he is healthier in body (read: chubby) and spirit (especially in his ability to bond) because of that. She is tall and beautiful and sometimes wears a scarf on her head, just like the woman in the paintings.

The truth is that I may never know what goes on inside their little minds. I can only hope and pray to be sensitive and open and available to comfort and encourage them. I pray for wisdom and strength to be equal to this special task and privilege God has given me.

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